First Day and all

 I was born in 1983. I weighed 1lbs. My mom and dad both say they could hold me in the palm of my hand, that's how small I was. The doctors told my mother that there was nothing more they could do for the little girl who was born three months earlier than her due date after hooking me up to tubes and machines to help progress my organs as they were under developed. I litterally have scars that serve as a reminder and testimony to the ordeal my body suffered through while struggling to be in this world. 

However, that occured back in 1983. It's now 2024 and the only thing I can say is that at 40 years old I still want to cry and become frustrated because of how hard it has been to live and take it in this world. Even as a woman who have many attributes to my name and personality I still struggle with the old age question due to having a disability. Can I do it? Can I become more than what most think of me? Can I reach my highest purpose? Will my life have a better ending than beginning? Will I acheive all the goals that I have set out for myself. Mainly the one where I make a crap ton of money and live as good as I seem to do in my head? 

There were other goals that were set but I have accomplished those. I lived when they said I wouldn't. I have surpassed an intelligence level of a seven year old, I have a degree in criminal justice to prove that. My high school Teachers who said I wouldn't get a H.S. Diploma but a General Education Degree ( G.E.D.) Instead were wrong because I did just that when I graduated in 2002 from High school. I mean I could go on about the different things people said wouldn't happen but did, but I won't. 

Instead what truly ails me is knowing I have the potential and desire to make money but have absolutely no idea how. When I say make money I mean money that pulls me and my family out of debt. Money that will eventually make it's own money. This is the kind of money is money to me. What happens? I get discouraged and think I'm not that smart. I don't have what it takes because all I have is my disability. 

I know that's horrible thinking considering all of what I've been through to get here. I even work at a job where I help people with disabilities, why? I believe in them. I know that if I became who I am today despite what was spoken on more than one occassion about me,I know that they can do that and more. I see the intelligence even when others don't. I have struggled through life not being recognized and dismissed and just the under dog in general. 

I suppose my purpose in writing this blog is so that someone else can see it and be encouraged and know you are not the only person out there struggling. You want to have it all together and maybe you suffer from a disablity that's not necessarily physical, like me, it's cognitive but you are surpassed their expectations in intelligence, but it's not enough. I get it and I feel you.